We often wonder why falling in love and finding the right person is so damn hard. We strive to find the best ones out there and when we think we have, it's only a matter of time until we realize they are not it. I am not a bad catch. Though I seemed to have made horrible decisions in the past. I'm easily enlightened by what was missing from the previous partner, completely focusing on the beautiful light that the dark areas go unnoticed. The unfortunate part is I allow myself to fall in love without really finding out what's lurking in the dark shadows. I've become too fond of accepting people's flaws that I often forget my own worth. It's the saddest truth I have come to realize.
My heart was tormented---in every way possible by the person who I thought would be great. Every significant other's worst nightmare. Infidelity.
I felt like how every other person felt when they finally found proof---that solid, substantial proof. If it was a murder case, there would be no trial. His hand was inside that cookie jar (pun intended). He would have faced jail time with no parole. I sat and hid the pain. Though I am not really sure what that proved --- strength for being able to smile despite being in deep, agonizing pain or weakness for the inability to walk away from something that no longer served me. Obviously, it's the latter.
Confrontation is my weakness. I am more than willing to admit that. I asked myself everyday how to execute the break up. I was angry. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel the pain I was feeling. But how? How can I possibly blurt the pain he caused me with a lil decorum? It just wasn't possible. I was expecting painful words from him and that scared me. The longer I waited, the more I learned. The more I learned, the more pain became bearable. Was I beginning to settle? It was a scary thought. I did, however, looked forward to the day he would no longer be my concern.
It wasn't an easy task but after a month and a half of tears and contesting, I was able to walk away. I thought I was in love with him but really, I was only in love with the idea of him.
That boy taught me a valuable lesson. The need for love cannot be found from the other person. The ultimate core of any relationship is learning about yourself first and loving yourself first. It's now 2016 and I pray the subsequent nights can be as peaceful and blessed as my night tonight. I was not able to give him the letter I wrote but it no longer matter. I am free. Free from stress, free from headache, free from heartache and most importantly, I'm free from you.
xoxo.
